Are We Making Ourselves Sick?
exploring self-advocacy
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, fear set in immediately. I was numb and the world seemed to stop. It took 2 months for me to decide that a natural remedy was best for me. Within those 2 months, my wonderful mother came across a documentary series called “The Truth About Cancer”. If you are into alternative care… watch it now! Within those 2 months, I also continued with MRIs, biopsies, ultrasounds, and mammograms, met several doctors, and surgeons, and became immune to the constant poking and prodding on my boobs. I also had genetic testing. Ironically, there was no genetic correlation even though my sister previously dealt with breast cancer that same year and my mother eventually ended up passing away from ovarian cancer.
The day I stepped into that genetic counseling office at Northwestern in Chicago, a light went on inside of me and I had MANY questions. Why? Well, the genetic counselors gave me a pie chart that listed the categories of WHY I might have cancer. I will tell you that the genetic slice was very small and the category labeled….. unknown, environmental, outside issues, was over 75%. In my Tami brain back then, there was no way I was gonna let someone cut my boobs and take stuff out, fill them with something else, radiate them, take drugs, and possibly end up with no nipples… with an explanation that contained the words UNKNOWN as to why I might be sick, it made no sense to me. I was on a mission to figure it all out.
Just like that lonely ship in the picture above, that is how I felt inside. I was operating on nervous energy and started to do my own research and come up with a plan. Dealing with cancer naturally seemed like a weird thing to do. I am not sure how everyone else felt about it around me, but I will tell you that if you are looking for alternative remedies and support you will NOT find them in conventional hospitals. I had undying support from my mother and I think everyone else around me just didn’t know what to say. Please understand that I did not just make this decision on a whim. I had an extensive background in fitness and health prior. I was always an active person, ate pretty well, and had a good job in the fitness industry. Those were the 3 solid things in my life. So I could not understand how I got cancer.
As I started to put my plan together, I would pick out the remedies that seemed to keep coming up consistently, juicing for nutrition, natural supplements, and eliminating toxins. The TOXIN thing ended up going REALLY deep. It is very layered. It began a letting go and clearing process for myself. I was focused on all the “toxins” in my life. Well, all the external toxins… skin products, household cleaning items, air, water, food, toiletries, makeup, smell goods, etc. There is a lot we can learn about choosing and/or making our own clean products and foods as a protective tool for healthy bodies.
My toxin research lead to understanding that stress was an internal toxin. Stress? Yes! I thought stress was being busy at work, multi-tasking, crying babies, taking a test, an argument, and rude people. I would like to say I had a big aha moment and figured it all out but it didn’t happen that way. There I was smack dab in the middle of blaming external sources for my sickness. I was operating as a victim all these years and did not understand why. I felt gross and defeated and stupid and unworthy for many years. I felt enormous pressure every Monday to wake up and be successful. I had dysfunctional relationships and felt very unhappy. I always felt uncomfortable and not free to be myself. As soon as I started to address all these emotions from the years past, things started to change for me.
The great news was that within this whole cancer process I was learning how to be an advocate for myself which helped my outlook on life and my self-confidence. It was part of the universal master plan I suppose to teach me. To guide me back to the authentic Tami and help me see and feel and understand who I really was. I am not gonna lie the process was NOT fun, but I would do it over and over again because I know how it changed my life. The decision to step up to the plate and deal with me, nurture myself, heal myself, forgive myself, and have compassion for myself were all part of the process. My choice to remain optimistic and use cancer as a stepping stone to a better me was very enticing at that time in my life. It was breaking down walls and dealing with past trauma and dysfunction. It was letting out emotions, crying daily, writing out feelings, sharing, and connecting with people. I slowly started to open up and understand myself better.
I became obsessed with self-inquiry and dealing with myself. I saw shamans, gurus, therapists, energy workers, explored different religions, meditated for hours daily, and the journey continues. My obsession continues. I happily continue the self-inquiry journey. All my kid-like questions of why, why why, why, why were all being answered. I am not sure how to explain in words but I will do my best.
This obsession lead me to the law of attraction, which lead me to the world of vibration, which lead me back to music and writing and moving my body. (i have also been a musician and dancer the past 25 years). I had also put into place new daily rituals such as meditation, infrared sauna, essential oils, sounds of nature, light exercise, plant-based nutrition, connecting with friends and family, and doing things that felt fun. I was aware that I was feeling much different than prior to my cancer diagnosis. I was remembering the things I did throughout my healing journey that were consistent that helped me the most. This is where it gets tricky…. It was mostly about what I stopped doing.
I stopped doing all the things that did not serve me well anymore. That list for me was VERY long. I did not do it out of sheer discipline. It was a gradual process of getting connected to my higher self, understanding that I was bringing stress into my own world, letting go of everything (and i mean everything), deconstructing and rebuilding my thoughts and perspectives, and trusting that the universe had my back, becoming an authentic creator, and using tools for my sensory system to experience. I needed daily rituals to keep this new positive and healthy flow going. I learned that when there is balance within the body and you are truly connected to your higher self, then disease CANNOT live within the body. I let myself be sick. I let myself heal. I let myself be healthy. I dealt with all my old baggage and let it go. I essentially reprogrammed myself, my habits, my beliefs, my ways of being, and how I approach each day. My life and my self and my existence are far superior to what it was prior to being diagnosed with cancer.
I have so many holistic tools to help myself that it seems impossible to ever be sick again. I will tell you also that this is permanent. When you connect to your higher self, there is no going back. It’s not possible. Once you shift, it just is. It’s wonderful. Another cool thing about this lovely metamorphosis is that now when life gets dark, I have the tools to maintain and actually thrive within the darkness. Since my diagnosis my 2 moms passed, my aunt passed, i ended jobs, ended relationships, but continued to focus on that bright light in front of me. I continued to reach for what felt good. I allowed myself time to cry and be sad. I allowed time to be happy and do happy things. I allowed myself time to do nothing at all. Most of all I maintain a healthy relationship with myself. I no longer am making myself sick and it FEELS so good!