Human Beings Vs. Humans Doing
dealing with the past
During my cancer journey, I discovered my obsession with keeping busy and living stressfully. My DOING things was a cover-up. I busied myself with anything and everything in order to avoid difficult emotions that I did not want to feel. I did not understand how to be different or feel different, and I did not have the tools to help me get better. I just assumed something was wrong with me and I would always be the different one. Now that I am in a place of joy and peace, I am completely astonished I lived for so many years with so much negative emotion squashed deep inside all my cells and atoms and particles.
I was suffering and I thought it was normal. I found out it’s not a normal human existence. On a daily basis, I would cycle through my negative emotions like a hamster on a wheel. I was a professional emotion suppressor, just like a functioning alcoholic. I had it down pat and it was a protective mechanism that no longer made sense or served me well in any capacity. I liked nothing about myself. That statement seems pretty scary just writing it down. I did not understand why I was the way I was and why I always felt so horrible. I lived in complete fear of everything. I was scared to speak my truth at any moment in time. I was incapable of authentic self-expression. I was trapped in past traumas and it affected the entire trajectory of my life and my existence.
My “doing” got me a nice career and a nice home and lots of self-inflicted stress. I probably looked like it was a great life. On the inside, I was failing miserably. My multiple failed relationships, struggle with self-worth and living as a victim were reflections of the inner dysfunction I was finally facing. I had no idea the messiness I was living and being and feeling would eventually surface as a chronic disease.
“I stopped comparing and criticizing myself and developed some compassion for that traumatized little girl. I went through a letting go process and was able to start seeing my inner reflection within nature and heal from the past.”
- Tami Herbst
inner reflection and connection
What can I say? Sometimes I feel like I got to the party REALLY late. Meaning I missed out on a lot of meaningful life because I was still living as that traumatized little girl. I forgive myself because that is the only way to my joy. Nowadays, to know the self is what I deem as success. To give and receive love is the basis of all existence. To have compassion, be a good listener, and be of service makes life so much more purposeful. To be a creator and discover new ways of manifesting my deepest desires is such fun. I am a joy-seeker that catches the sunrises and sunsets daily. I feel like I get a re-do, a re-birth, a new relationship with myself that is healthy and nurturing. I am skipping around enjoying the process of getting to know myself. To figure out what I actually like and what feels good. To explore new skill sets and have the courage to be and do anything. I feel like the lucky one.
mindfulness and meditation…
How woke are you? Is that the question of the year? Do we all truly understand what that means? Do we understand how to be woke? What is your own personal “wokeness” barometer? I know we are going down in the history books for sure so it would be cool to have some beneficial history that can be helpful to future humans.
For sure the pandemic of 2020 has evoked many feelings and reactions. Even though it seemed tough at every angle, I feel like we got through it, we learned from it, and we are moving forward. That is pretty much how I handle most difficult situations these days. It’s like finding the good in a tough situation or someone who is being difficult. I personally relied heavily on mindfulness and meditation to ease myself through the past few years. My personal self-inquiry journey started years before the pandemic. Perhaps it was my mom’s love of self-help books that rubbed off on me. Perhaps it was a cancer diagnosis. Perhaps it was being fed up with feeling horrible all the time. Perhaps it was being quarantined. Perhaps it was looking for love in all the wrong places. Perhaps it was the death of my mothers and aunt. Perhaps it was being a caretaker and witnessing death multiple times. The list goes on and on but the point is that we all have tough pills to swallow throughout our lifetime. The way we deal with ourselves, our life, and reaching out for the tools to support our own personal journey is key. Knowing we have a choice in the matter of how we respond is also key.
My personal experience is that once you can reach that quietness, you can finally learn how to connect with yourself. Life changes, you change, and everything changes around you. The feeling is ease, clarity, creative fun, peace, stillness, love, happiness, and a complete surrender to allow the universe to work its magic while you become an observer. There is no right or wrong or sides to take. It’s a universally connected type of feeling. It’s a knowing and a believing. It’s trusting the process and acceptance. It’s pure and authentic. It smiles and laughs and cries tears of joy. It has open arms and an open mind. Being mindful is delightful. Meditation is soothing. Being woke is living within all of that exists and feeling good.